The Lonley Island - Turtleneck and Chain
Remember 2009, when people were using “like a boss” as punctuation? Get yourself ready for round two. The first wave of quotability was preceded by The Lonely Island’s first album, Incredibad. Now they’re back with Turtleneck and Chain, but will this album have the same cult success as their first?
Tough question.
Part of what made Incredibad as successful as it was was the novelty of it all. This faux-gangsta rap about Natalie Portman and the space Olympics was something that had never gotten main-stream exposure before SNL’s Andy Samberg teamed up with his long time comedy team members Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone to make their first album. But enough speculation—lets get to it.
The album opens strong with “We’re Back!” This intro track is all about the dysfunctional penises of the group’s members (see what I did there?). It’s loud, rowdy, and profane as all get out. It’s probably not going to earn them any new fans: lines like “Yo my dick don’t work / that shit is soft as a pillow” might deter people who didn’t come into Turtleneck and Chain with a good idea of what to expect. Still, some of the jokes they make are really clever and the song works well to get the listener pumped and ready for more of the same.
Unfortunately, a lot of momentum is lost in “Mama.” The song starts off as a rap ode to mothers everywhere, interrupted by “mom” shouting down to the basement. This song might be hilarious if you’ve shared the experience; that is to say, if you had the mom that wanted to be helpful. The first time through, it’s fun, but the song doesn’t have any real value beyond that.
There was some wisdom in how the album was arranged, because after “Mama” The Lonely Island launches into the album’s flagship track, “I Just Had Sex.” Featuring Akon, this track had a huge fanbase from its appearance as an SNL Digital Short, and it deserves it. This open, joyful song is “dedicated to them girls that let us flop around on top of them,” and Akon’s vocals add a lot to the experience. It’s a tongue-in-cheek mock of rap songs that are all about getting laid, and its perfect to listen to when driving down the highway on a sunny, spring afternoon.
Another feature that sets The Lonely Island apart from other bands is the eclectic mix of guest artists they feature, and Turtleneck and Chain takes us on an express train from Akon to Michael Bolton. “Jack Sparrow” is another track that was featured on Saturday Night Live, and might well be my favorite track on the album. The boys start off rapping about being in the club, but that’s not important—it’s Bolton’s movie references in song, including nods to Scarface, Forest Gump, and (obviously), Pirates of the Caribbean. I also have to give them credit for nice use of the word “cinephile.”
It means someone who loves movies. Get your head out of the gutter.
“Attracted to Us” is very… adequate. It’s not bad, but for a song that features Beck, I was expecting something a little more noteworthy. Yeah, guys, you’re awkward, shy white boys. We got it.
This is the point at which I was really starting to get nervous for the album, because “Rocky” is just a bad song. Musically, it’s forgettable. The lyrics lack cleverness and are, for the most part, needlessly graphic. The song is all about Samberg getting his ass kicked by Rocky which I guess is sort of funny, but that constant whine in his voice really starts to grind the nerves by the 45 second mark.
And here we are: the title track. “Turtleneck and Chain,” featuring Snoop Dogg. What a waste of such an iconic rapper. I love Snoop, like most 20-something white kids from the suburbs, but I was really disappointed that this was the song he collaborated with The Lonely Island on. The song is repetitive, abuses vocal modification, and lacks anything resembling a point. I guess it has something to do with some popular music video, in which the singer wears a turtleneck sweater and a thin necklace? I don’t know, but I can’t seem to skip this track fast enough.
Part of the reason I’m in such a hurry to leave “Turtleneck and Chain” behind is my desire to get to the next track, “Shy Ronnie 2: Ronnie and Clyde.” Ohh, but I do love this song. Rihanna is, in a word, superb. Not only is her voice a beautiful addition to the song, but she delivers the lyrics in such a way that the humor isn’t lost. The track tells the story of a bank robbery in progress, but Shy Ronnie’s mumbling and stammering botches the whole affair. Rihanna takes off, and Ronnie (Samberg) drops some really great lines.
Then there’s a song about shitting your pants. That’s all I have to say about “Trouble on Dookie Island.” It’s a song about shitting your pants.
Turtleneck and Chain is an exercise in whiplash, for me. The dynamic duo of Samberg and Justin Timberlake (remember “Dick in a Box?”) return for “Motherlover,” the story of two well-meaning young men who forgot Mother’s Day and resolve to make it up to their moms by switching it up. “Every Mother’s Day needs a Mother’s Night,” as they say. Instead of the usual gifts like flowers or dinner at Applebee’s, they each bang the other’s mom. If you think too hard about it, the sound of Timberlake instructing Samberg on how best to romance his mother might drive you insane, but this track had me cracking up, and it’s another favorite to sing along to. Just… not when there’s someone else in the car. That can get a little weird.
Next we have a song all about being a creeper, possibly the most damning word in the English language. “The Creep” features a duo of guest stars: John Waters (who introduces the song) and Nicki Minaj. Minaj illustrates the way in which girls can be creepers too, and she does it really well. The audio effects employed on her voice would be chilling, if the lyrics weren’t so funny.
As long as we’re talking about psuedo-epithets that get tossed around in popular culture, I may as well address “Threw It On The Ground,” a song that openly mocks the “hipster” subculture. Excessive defiance of ludicrously simple things, resolved entirely by throwing the offending object to the ground. Including a birthday cake that, in the associated music video, is presented to Samberg by a small child. And there’s nothing funny like ruining a little kid’s birthday party.
What? Am I the only one who thinks that?
There are a few more tracks that I haven’t addressed, but that’s for a reason. “Japan” is irritating, “After Party” is confusing, and “No Homo” is probably really offensive to some readers. If jokes about bromance taken too far are going to bother you, I suggest you skip the finale of Turtleneck and Chain.
So, gun to my head, forced to make a decision, I would suggest you give The Lonely Island a chance with this album. Some of the tracks are big flops, but the songs that are good tend to be really, really funny. Newcomers to the band might want to check out Incredibad first: it’s a little more neutral and accessible, but veterans of the fake rap genre will get a kick out of Turtleneck and Chain.
